Last night I had a dream that Dolly died. I found out about this online and my sister just happened to be with me. I mentioned the news to her, but somehow she’d already found out, and she was quite upset about it, which I found odd because neither of us ever listened to Dolly’s music.
In addition, my sister’s hair was extremely long and insanely soft. I noticed both of these things when I offered her a condolence hug. I didn’t know what else to do to console her.
What does it all mean? Why on earth would I dream about Dolly Parton dying? Oh yeah – she was 54. Do I need to start freaking out that I might kick the bucket at 54? How am I supposed to figure this out? Every object and memorable ‘thing’ in a dream is supposed to represent something in the dreamer’s life, but Dolly and I don’t have a thing in common! That I know of. . .
I think our feelings can be wonderful things – when we’re being honest with ourselves. They alert us to the fact that things are either great or not so great. When things are great, our feelings support the experience, which motivates us to prolong it or magnify it. When they’re not so great, our feelings display internal discomfort that signals us to avoid or sever our relationship with whatever – or whomever – is happening.
I’ve been having some rather unpleasant feelings about someone in my life recently, and this was finally brought out into the open yesterday by someone in a position of educated authority on the matter. So I listened. And I nodded. And I agreed. Because everything he asked or said was right on the money. I already knew what he was saying, but it’s one thing to know something and it’s another thing entirely to have someone elsetell you what you know. Because they know it too. And they aren’t even a part of your life. It’s weird but it happens. So I felt a tad confronted AND relieved at the same time. That’s an odd sensation by the way. I hadn’t realized I’d been keeping it such a secret…
SO. What to do what to do…? Hm. I’m thinking. If I was my own coaching client, what kinds of questions might I ask…? Perhaps before I could even ask a question, my client might blurt out the word that resonates the most when thinking about said relationship – DREAD.
I have an amusing story. I went with a friend to the grocery store yesterday and we were talking for a minute after we parked. Without looking, I reached over to open my door and it banged up against a car next to us that hadn’t been there when we arrived. Some jive turkey had parked so close to my friend’s car, I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t even squeeze out. I have NO idea how that driver got out.
Anywho – he was right in front of his car when I did this and he marched over to check his vehicle for scratches while I was busy climbing over the front driver’s seat just to get out. And that pissed me off because this guy didn’t have a car next to him on the right side. He didn’t have to park that close to us, but he did. And he was wearing a gun. To the grocery store. Who does that? What did he think might happen to him?
So, I’m like “Dude, was it necessary for you to park this close to our car?” And he was like “As far as I’m concerned, you guys are parked in my spot. Your buddy there is the one who double parked.” I looked down to check the accuracy of this statement and it was true – Jon had parked his car over the line by maybe 3 inches. So I was like, “Does that mean you HAD to park up his ass?! I can’t even open the door!” And then he was like, “Well, I can just call the cops and let them sort it out.” And I was like, “DO IT!!. And make sure you tell them about the water pistol hanging off your hip!” And then nobody said anything for a second.
There were four of us standing in front of his car and the three of them looked at his gun while I stared at him. My friend tried to get me to let it go and smooth things over, while his girlfriend kept mumbling an unintelligible garble that I couldn’t pick up. I finally chose to listen to my buddy and walked away, but not before I flipped off the man and his girlfriend. There was nothing I could do and it was evident that he had parked that close to us to cause a problem. Sometimes, throwing up one’s hands is the best answer, but boy-oh-boy did that guy set off a nerve.
I wonder what it might have taken on my part for him to pull out his gun on me. And then what would he have done?! Would he have pulled ANY of this bullshit in the first place if he hadn’t had a gun? Is his self-confidence that low? How is that even possible? What a fucking idiot. Some of the laws in Oregon are incredibly backward. This is supposed to be a progressive state, but it sure doesn’t feel that way sometimes and I think some of the laws, or at least the open carry law here, may be endangering the lives of ordinary citizens. What if he’d been completely crazy?
This is the second time in less than a week that I’ve run into a guy carrying a gun. This past weekend I watched a man carrying a weapon escort his son to the bathroom at a restaurant while I was waiting for my order. I just don’t understand what these men think is going to happen to them. I don’t understand what makes them think they’re going to be able to legally use their weapon. How can they feel so threatened just by going out in public? Did something terrible happen in their pasts at some point? Did they get mugged at the car wash or in the mall or something?
Usually, this area of my brain is reserved for my fondness for chocolate cake, but recently it’s just been achy. Sort of like a toothache, but not exactly. But not a brain freeze either – just to be clear.
I can remember having maybe two headaches in my entire life. The first one was so brutal, I got sent home from school. I think I was in 6th grade for that one. I went home, got in bed, fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until the next morning. The 2nd one I’m not positive I ever really had, but I felt like I should adlib a bit to make this more a fascinating read for my readers.
If it hurts and the pain is in my head – that’s a headache. Right?
This ache at the top of my head and behind my eyes has been going on for around three weeks now and I’m finally going to a doctor. I never go to the doctor. I’m actually intrigued! Like – I’m in a state of anticipation to put a word to this issue. I do like words!!
I just hope it’s a non-scary word like … asparagus or kittens or bunion.
My grandmother used to say she felt kind of “Meh” and was suffering a malaise of one sort or another. I swear, that woman used to just point to a word in the dictionary and say to herself “I think I’ll use this word as often as I can for the rest of my life.” And she would.
Today, it’s my turn to use a similar word that I just found in the dictionary and that is similar to malaise. I’m feeling a bit “Meh” and saturated with Weltschmerz. I’m tired after 7 hours of sleep and I have a headache for the 14th day in a row. Is this a new seasonal thing…? Maybe I have a brain tumor… Maybe I need to start taking afternoon naps…Do I have the Coronavirus?EW! I sure HOPE not. Not sure how I would have picked that up – I rarely go anywhere public except outside, and I always wear a mask when I do. Hm. Maybe my body is just warping into the age of 51 and it’s getting creaky? Is this NORMAL?!Auurrgghh! I don’t know! I’ve never been 51 before.
I suppose it’s worth checking out.
Well. My kittens are happy and my coffee is hot, so I can’t bitch and moan too much – especially if I don’t check out what my body is up to.
My grandmother used to say to me, “Jenny – you’re honest to a fault.” And I’d say. “So?!” And then she’d say, “That’s exactly what I mean.” And I’d walk away confused as ever.That was then. Today – I’m olderand wiserand stuff.
I’ve always been direct and blunt and straightforward. I don’t know how to be different or communicate differently. I’ve tried and didn’t recognize myself. So, I learned to appreciate myself for who and what I am, even when plenty of others don’t, won’t or just can’t. I’m okay with that. I don’t need everybody to like me. That said, I did have an odd experience a couple of days ago.
I was a member on a sober recovery forum that is 12 Step based and I got banned for being “brutally” blunt. I took what the OP (original poster) had written and used part of it in my reply to her and offered her no sympathy. She’s exactly where she put herself – in a situation she helped create – due to choices she made. Why sugarcoat the obvious? Why sugarcoat anything at all? If someone wants some sugar they should go buy some. Or eat a cookie. Or whatever.
So, because I didn’t offer this woman a sugarcoated vessel of support – I got excused from offering my insight. Granted, I’d been warned before, but I’m not about to walk on eggshells with my words just because the truth is too confrontational for some folks. Yes, delivery counts for a lot, but I don’t care whether or not people agree with my delivery. Did what I say or write reflect the truth or not? That’s it. Take it or leave it. I speak/write the truth as I see it. Not as Tom, Dick, Jane or Doris-Kay sees it. I shoot from the hip. There’s no other way to communicate that is acceptable to me.
Let’s just cut through the bull shit and call it like we see it. How much time would that save on a daily basis? Over a lifetime?
Oh Lordy, does it feel good to clean my home! I can walk and talk and think and function… It’s wonderful!
Even during my worst moments in withdrawal, I still couldn’t stand the sight of a messy space. There’s something about having everything clean and in order that promotes my ability to think about life and whatnot properly. It’s like – everything opens up and I can go forward and consider far-reaching ideas and opinions without mentally tripping over a wine bottle poking out from under the couch. Life is sweet!
Anyone see this? This movie was a HOOT! The only people I can think of who are as funny as Steve Martin these days are Melissa McCarthy, Dave Chappelle, Mike Meyers and the guy who played Major Payne. Ha!
Okay. My point here is that humor is crucial in life, and a deep belly laugh every once in a while is invaluable to our psychological health. Ever laugh so hard you leaked tears? That had to be some funny shit. A good laugh releases stress and negative emotions. So go – Do it! Find something to laugh at and share it with another person.
Is it just me or is it always more fun to share a good laugh with someone else?
Why? Because all anyone has to do is age and they’ll figure out that time moves much too fast. It moves faster than any old person on the planet appreciates. Ask one. They’ll tell you.
Fine. Time doesn’t move any faster or slower – our experience of it changes. Whatev.
A friend of mine and I were discussing this subject recently and we agree that time moves way too fast, One might think that with the Pandemic, and the layoff of jobs, the closure of businesses and schools, and the more free time available, that time might seem to drag and loll about. But it hasn’t and it doesn’t. We can’t figure out why this is. Time should be dragging ass these days, but even with all that’s going on – time is hardly standing still.
It’s behaving like a bullet shot from a gun. It’s as though time can’t wait to get where ever the hell it’s going. What’s the damn rush?
Oh. Wait. Is this the part where I’m supposed to recognize that time seems to go faster for everyone as we age? Well, I have only one thing to say about that. WHY? How much sense does that make? NONE. If you ask me, time should go slower the older we get. Older people go slow (er) and time should match their (our) pace!
I suppose the takeaway needs to be that everyone do things that are valuable and memorable as often as possible. Why? Because we’re going to be dead before we know it. That’s why! Okay – to mark the passage of time. So that we can look back and say “Oh yeah, I did yada yada blah on that day.” It’s too easy to remember the difficult and challenging experiences from our past. We certainly don’t need a time machine to go there. We all have those EASY TO REACH MEMORIES. But in order to have an Equal amount of positive experiences and memories, we need to make sure we create them. Birthdays and holidays aren’t enough.
To mark this day as a special day in my memory journal, I’m going to have a piece of chocolate birthday cake for breakfast even though my birthday was three days ago. And then I’ll follow up with about four hours of butt cheek crunches. 🙂
Isn’t that word just – fantastic!? Who made it up? When they threw all those letters together, were they, in fact, cantankerous or just rock-bottom bored? What happened to perfectly useful words like irascible and curmudgeonly? I don’t know about you, but I use both of those words ALL THE TIME (not).
Today, I resolve to use the word ‘cantankerous‘ in a sentence at least once.
Here’s where I’m at.Proving to myself that I can do something, by doing it,is entirely different than having confidence in myself that I can do something I’ve never done.
Yesterday I turned 51. I honestly never thought I would live to see this age. I figured my alcoholism would get the better of me, but it didn’t. And now that I’m still waking up every morning, I figure today is a good day to set a goal for this year. So, for the next 364 days, I’ve resolved to address four areas in my life in addition to all the other stuff I normally do every day. I’ve created a list.
Now, I’ll be the first to offer my opinion on goals and lists – they’re good for one thing – changing them. That’s why I never make any. But – just for shits and giggles I’ve created one. And I’ve kept it short. And I admit that the length of the list isn’t nearly as important as the implementation of my self=control. I am NOT an expert in self-control. Yet. But my intentionis to be by the end of this birthday year.
And I will be honest here. This little innocent blog is going to be the platform on which I keep myself accountable. My thinking is that if I’ll continue to look at the big picture (364 days) rather than count minutes when things become challenging, I should, in theory, skate right through this. But hopefully not too fast because time is already going fast and it’s sorta freaking me out a little bit.
When I consider 364 days and turn those days into dollars – just how far does $364 dollars go? Not far. That’s enough to buy a great pair of boots and some socks. At first thought, it seems like getting through my list should be easy. Except I have a huge problem and therein lies the real challenge. My attitude leaves a lot to be desired sometimes and when I don’t want to do something – I desperately don’t want to do it – I don’t care what it is. I can talk myself out of anything.
I could add attitude adjustment to my list – except – as long as I compete the things on my list – it doesn’t matter what kind of attitude I have. That’s my attitude about it. My actions are what I’m looking at. On my 52nd birthday, when I look back and say that I reached this goal of tackling my list, then I’ll KNOW that I can do what I set out to do.
Here’s the list:
I will not drink alcohol.
I will continue to live alone.
I will turn my body into what I want it to look like.
I will remember to play and show appreciation for being alive.
Is within you, but you do not sense it. Your Sickness is from you, but you do not perceive it. You Presume you are a small entity, But within you is enfolded the entire universe. You are indeed the evident book, By whose alphabet the hidden becomes the manifest. Therefore, you have no need to look beyond yourself, What you seek is within you, if only you reflect.