Ambivalence

NOUN

1. the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Is this or is this not the MOST uncomfortable mental state – ever?

***Yes, I want to get up earlier so that I can get stuff done and enjoy more of my time off – but I want to stay in bed and play WWF on my phone because I love my bed and I’m happy in it.

***No, I don’t want to go to the store and enter mainstream society, but I should because I’m low on food and apparently my body needs food.

Crossing that threshold into either Yes or No is such a delicate space. And it’s tiny – yet consequences of some kind and in some form arise from either decision a person makes. Yes or No changes everything. How fucked is this?

My part time job is driving me painfully nuts. The pros are that I get to cycle there and home (I love cycling, but I don’t need a job to ride my bike. I can do that anytime I want to), the money (but I don’t need this job to have some), and knowing that I’m helping someone who really needs it (Okay -this is the biggest pro. It makes me feel like I’m a less selfish person than I really am). The cons – I can’t stand the way I feel when I leave and I dread going.

Ambivalence means being on the fence about something or someone where a decision is being called for, and teetering from one side to the other without falling off. It’s RIDICULOUS. And it has NOTHING to do with balance. If anything – it’s the opposite. It’s being UNABLE to find balance. Feeling stuck and unable to make the RIGHT decision. Yes? No? Maybe.

When I land in this state I have to shove myself – internally – into falling off the fence to one side or the other and then deal with whatever happens next. I’m a Libra. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I have a hell of a time making up my mind about some things. And it drives me NUTS.

Life is short – right? So why do things you don’t want to do unless you really have to?

What to do when one con is so big it equals about 14 pros?

I don’t know. Right now I keep pushing myself to do things I don’t want to do and I see that I continue to ask myself WHY I keep doing these things…

Are the pros worth it? I can’t decide…

JEEEEEEEZ!