Ambivalence

Of course I can decide – I just can’t make up my mind.

NOUN

  1. the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Is this or is this not the MOST uncomfortable mental state – ever?

***Yes, I want to get up earlier so that I can get stuff done and enjoy more of my time off – but I want to stay in bed and play WWF on my phone because I love my bed and I’m happy in it.

***No, I don’t want to go to the store and enter mainstream society, but I should because I’m low on food and apparently my body needs food.

Crossing that threshold into either Yes or No is such a delicate space. And it’s tiny – yet consequences of some kind and in some form arise from either decision a person makes. Yes or No changes everything. How fucked is this?

My part time job is driving me painfully nuts. The pros are that I get to cycle there and home (I love cycling, but I don’t need a job to ride my bike. I can do that anytime I want to), the money (but I don’t need this job to have some), and knowing that I’m helping someone who really needs it (Okay -this is the biggest pro. It makes me feel like I’m a less selfish person than I really am). The cons – I can’t stand the way I feel when I leave and I dread going.

Ambivalence means being on the fence about something or someone where a decision is being called for, and teetering from one side to the other without falling off. It’s RIDICULOUS. And it has NOTHING to do with balance. If anything – it’s the opposite. It’s being UNABLE to find balance. Feeling stuck and unable to make the RIGHT decision. Yes? No? Maybe.

When I land in this state I have to shove myself – internally – into falling off the fence to one side or the other and then deal with whatever happens next. I’m a Libra. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I have a hell of a time making up my mind about some things. And it drives me NUTS.

Life is short – right? So why do things you don’t want to do unless you really have to?

What to do when one con is so big it equals about 14 pros?

I don’t know. Right now I keep pushing myself to do things I don’t want to do and I see that I continue to ask myself WHY I keep doing these things…

Are the pros worth it? I can’t decide…

JEEEEEEEZ!

Published by Jennifer

I've finally found my happy place in sobriety. Yay! Go Me!

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