Mauritius

Hm.

Ever been? Ever even HEARD of it? Me Neither! And I’m so bummed. I look at all these amazing countries around the world and have to acknowledge that I’ll probably never get to see them – not in person.

Life is so fucking short – not to mention that part that none of it is guaranteed. And I drank away 23 years. Gone. Poof. Never to get them back no matter what I do. Even if I had billions of dollars, I can’t buy back my history and change it. What a bummer!!

Yesterday I was watching World War Z with Brad Pitt. I’d seen it before, but I was drunk back then so – I wanted to see it again because I didn’t remember any of it. Half way through the movie I get this fantastic idea that I’ll hop on my rowing machine and multi-task. I’ll watch the 2nd half of the movie AND exercise. Sweet idea, right? Except I dropped the remote and it hit a button that changed the channel to CNN. This wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem – just change it back, right? WRONG. I had restarted the movie and if the channel gets changed during the restart, it won’t go back to the program it was on. I lost the 2nd half of World War Z. Gone. And I was pissed OFF about it.

Brad Pitt is not my favorite actor and anyone can guess how a freaking zombie movie starring him might turn out – especially when he’s the hero, but NOOOOOOOO – I had to get really worked up about it anyway. I tried to find something else on Netflix (Netflix blows) and finally gave up after rowing for half an hour. I went to bed at 7:00 where I played Words With Friends for a couple of hours. I didn’t know what else to do with myself. Go to bed, I said. So, I did. How depressing. I felt depressed.

In the past – I would have drank a liter of vodka over that injustice. I’d have already been drunk in the first place, but I would have taken that experience personally. Now that I’m sober, not getting drunk is still sort of new to me even though the thought of drinking is repellent. The enormity of my disappointment caught me a little off guard.

What to do with feelings? I get it – they need to be experienced and even expressed, appropriately, but they sure are heavy sometimes. And I really hope I figure more of this shit out before I poof out of my existence. Maybe I shouldn’t have watched the movie in the first place… It seems sort of silly now that I’d get so T. O’d over not being able to watch the 2nd half, but in the moment – I felt saturated with dismay. Maybe I’ll never get to Mauritius. That’ll suck because I think I’d really like it there. There’s only so much time, and so many things that can get done or seen or accomplished within it.

Time. Sigh.

I don’t know. I can’t get to Mauritius today so I guess I’ll just go on a bike ride. I could buy the movie I lost last night, but today – I no longer give a shit. Go figure.

Published by Jennifer

I've finally found my happy place in sobriety. Yay! Go Me!

%d bloggers like this: