Sometimes, I remind folks that when we decide to get sober and leave our drug of choice behind, essentially – we’re breaking up with it. My relationship was with alcohol and drinking it. Alcohol was always there for me – as long as I had the $$$ to buy it. I knew where to find it and I knew what to expect once I drank some.
Over time, as I continued to drink, it began to abuse me as much as I abused it. It began to hurt. Over time, I had to ingest more to feel the same effects. Over time, I started to feel badly without having had any. Over time, I began to start drinking earlier and earlier every day because if I didn’t, I would get physically sick. And over time – everything I did revolved around alcohol and drinking.
Did I have any alcohol? Where did I plan to buy some? How much would I get? What kind would I buy? How much money did I have or need? Where could I hide it? How soon did I need it? What might be the best route to go get it? Could I afford enough for the following morning?
It was pretty fucked up. Thoughts like those consumed me.
Once I got sober, I had to reinvent myself and discover which activities I could do – outside work – that spoke to my heart. And in the place of drinking, I started to do those things. I read a lot. I write. Journal. I bought a couple of kittens and I take care of them. I exercise. I have a boyfriend again. I cook. And then I go to bed, just to start all over again the next day. And this has been going on for 10 months. I am all too aware of the passing of time and that it no longer feels good to go to bed feeling as though I didn’t accomplish at least one small task that day. While I don’t want to avoid what occurs within me during sobriety by staying too busy, I can’t very well lay around looking at the ceiling all day either.
What speaks to your heart? Are you listening?