I think it’s called O Shit! Or maybe that’s just how I experience anxiety – like I just noticed a shark is looking at me.
I think this analogy is a good one and I wonder how others try to describe their feelings of anxiety. Because doctors always ask that – “What’s the problem? Anxiety? And how – exactly – does that feel?”
“Well, Doc – it feels like … um … hm. Let me get back to you.”
An ice-cold sheet of terror floods my insides. I’m certain that I shouldn’t move. I shouldn’t breathe. If I hold my breath, it’ll go away. Or I’ll pass out. Either option works for me.
Have I ever been stalked by a shark? NO, but that’s probably because I refuse to get into the ocean anymore. Sharks live there. It’s bit debilitating actually – my anxiety. It prevents me from doing normal stuff like taking long walks or going shopping or crossing busy streets (unless it’s nighttime). I can do everything just fine at nighttime, and I wonder if others who suffer from anxiety experience relief then too.
What is it about the cover of darkness that does wonders for my panic? I don’t know.
I had hoped that by now – at 10 months sober – some of this issue would be behind me, but no. Now I’m facing everything raw, including anxiety, which feels amplified. I’ve always enjoyed nighttime, but recently – I’ve come to welcome it. The stress that anxiety puts on my body is a bit over the top, so I do what I can to avoid as much of the unnecessary stuff as possible.
I stay out of the ocean and I try to go out only at night. Easy Peasy. Is this the behavior of a vampire? I don’t know. But I do know that changing my behavior just this little bit makes me feel a hell of a lot better. And it doesn’t cost a penny.