A Curious Realization. Ever Have One?

10 months sober yesterday. Dec 3, 2020

So, it dawned on me last night, as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, that this relationship I’ve been trying to excuse myself from – has some eerie similarities to the experiences I had trying to get sober.

It took me 23 years to get sober and to find myself in a position where I can say I’m very happy being a non-drinker. In the past, I would quit drinking, but I was always pissed off about it. I never severed my attachment to alcohol and drinking. I had a deep emotional attraction to both that I simply refused to walk away from entirely. While I might have stopped drinking – my longing for the immediate and physical relief that alcohol brought stayed cemented deep within. I was the lover who refused to believe the relationship was over. I was the lover who wouldn’t let go.

This relationship that I just ended with my now ex-boyfriend did not end over night. Oh no. It took about six months of regularly breaking up and getting back together before I finally ended it for good. We both tried to make it work. We were like magnets – attracted when we were facing the right directions, but not so much when I did an about face, which I did often. I couldn’t help it. We might have been following the same guidebook, but I never felt like we were reading it in the same galaxy. Too many exasperating differences. So – I called it for good. The end. End of our story. Connection cut. Tie untied. Umbilical severed. Goodbye. Don’t let the door hit … yada yada.

And I closed the door and had NO emotional reaction. None. Nothing. And I was not expecting that. I’m not sure that I was expecting anything honestly, but every time I broke up with this guy in the past – it HURT. So why wouldn’t it hurt again this time. Right? That seems like a logical conclusion to anticipate. But it didn’t happen. I closed the door and stood there for a couple of minutes – accessing myself. Hm. Nothing. I may as well have just closed the door behind the pizza delivery guy. How odd.

The similarities between my experience getting sober and being in a happy place about it, and closing the door permanently on this relationship – and being happy about that too are curious indeed. I had to keep trying to stop drinking. I had to keep breaking up with this man – until I finally got both right (not at the same time of course).

Now what IS that all about?

I don’t know.

But it sure does feel good. I’m actually starting to feel like I’m finally doing shit right in my life. I’m doing things right – by me. WOW. I’m not sure I ever had an idea what this could feel like. I’m pretty good at finding words to describe things, but I’m not convinced there’s a word or phrase out there that accurately describes my internal experiences right now. They’re good.

They’re really good.

Published by Jennifer

I've finally found my happy place in sobriety. Yay! Go Me!

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: