Leaving Boulder, Colorado did not hurt one bit. I was long overdue for a change of scenery.
Something else was going on with me. Something I didn’t share with anyone – not even myself in a one-on-one, self-talk sort of way. Until my relationship with Dick, I’d managed fairly well as a high functioning alcoholic When I moved in with him, I took my drinking to an entirely new level. My kids became privy to seeing and hearing things from me they’d not seen nor heard; specifically my uncontrolled rage. I became someone they didn’t know – a stumbling, slurring, aggressive alien.
When I was very drunk and moody my kids would tell me I was grouchy. I’d tell them I was just tired, but they knew better. They didn’t know that my behavior was a result of my drinking, but they knew something was very wrong. And I believe that it was around this time I became aware, on an unconscious level, that I needed to protect them on me. Yes – unconsciously aware. Do those two words co-exist? Yeah – I think they can and do.
I was 21 years old the first time I went to Seattle. My mother lived there and I went out to visit. It was during that trip that I came to understand that I could develop an emotional attachment to a location. I developed a sincere attachment to the water and mountains of Washington state like a devotee might to his or her spiritual teacher. Fourteen years had passed since that visit, I hadn’t gone back once, and I had just convinced my new husband to move there.
The morning after I told Dick to quit his job he gave his two weeks notice to quit. Just like that. We’d never discussed moving across the street together much less to Seattle – half way across the United States. He’d never even been there. Three weeks later he landed a contract position in Vancouver, BC, Canada. CLOSE ENOUGH TO SEATTLE FOR ME!
If I’d been sober – I would have been shocked by all of this, but as it was – I had very high expectations of him when I was drunk, and I was drunk every day – all day. It goes without saying that I wasn’t a very nice person.