Oh No. What Have I Done?

I set a goal. I never set goals.

Here’s where I’m at. Proving to myself that I can do something, by doing it, is entirely different than having confidence in myself that I can do something I’ve never done.

Yesterday I turned 51. I honestly never thought I would live to see this age. I figured my alcoholism would get the better of me, but it didn’t. And now that I’m still waking up every morning, I figure today is a good day to set a goal for this year. So, for the next 364 days, I’ve resolved to address four areas in my life in addition to all the other stuff I normally do every day. I’ve created a list.

Now, I’ll be the first to offer my opinion on goals and lists – they’re good for one thing – changing them. That’s why I never make any. But – just for shits and giggles I’ve created one. And I’ve kept it short. And I admit that the length of the list isn’t nearly as important as the implementation of my self=control. I am NOT an expert in self-control. Yet. But my intention is to be by the end of this birthday year.

And I will be honest here. This little innocent blog is going to be the platform on which I keep myself accountable. My thinking is that if I’ll continue to look at the big picture (364 days) rather than count minutes when things become challenging, I should, in theory, skate right through this. But hopefully not too fast because time is already going fast and it’s sorta freaking me out a little bit.

When I consider 364 days and turn those days into dollars – just how far does $364 dollars go? Not far. That’s enough to buy a great pair of boots and some socks. At first thought, it seems like getting through my list should be easy. Except I have a huge problem and therein lies the real challenge. My attitude leaves a lot to be desired sometimes and when I don’t want to do something – I desperately don’t want to do it – I don’t care what it is. I can talk myself out of anything.

I could add attitude adjustment to my list – except – as long as I compete the things on my list – it doesn’t matter what kind of attitude I have. That’s my attitude about it. My actions are what I’m looking at. On my 52nd birthday, when I look back and say that I reached this goal of tackling my list, then I’ll KNOW that I can do what I set out to do.

Here’s the list:

  1. I will not drink alcohol.
  2. I will continue to live alone.
  3. I will turn my body into what I want it to look like.
  4. I will remember to play and show appreciation for being alive.

… Okay. Here I go.

Wait.

I need more coffee first.

Published by Jennifer

I've finally found my happy place in sobriety. Yay! Go Me!

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